Let’s admit it. We’re all insecure about the same damn thing. Are we any good in bed?
Being bad at sex is fucking horrible (literally). Best case scenario is that it ruins a one-night stand. Well, it ruins all your one-night stands, because the next time and the time after that all you’re thinking about is how am I going to screw this up? You’re reluctant to hit on women, because what if you take them home and embarrass yourself? It’s a psychological killer and can devastate your sex life.
Worst case scenario is that it ruins a relationship. Yes, I know, relationships aren’t all about sex, women don’t care as much as men do, and all that. But the sad truth is that if the sex isn’t good, it’s going to come crashing down eventually.
Don’t Despair! I’m Going to Teach You All You Need to Know to be Better in Bed
1. Learn to Use Your Tongue…And Make Her Squeal
I learned about cunnilingus from the original American Pie. Tara Reid’s character shows us just how much women love to be tongued. And it’s something we’re told over and over again. If you’ve got the oral moves, you’ll have her cumming in no time.
This is the kicker. Your dick is not the be-all and end-all. If you’re below average in size, take heart! Technically, you can move a woman’s world without using your penis at all.
Then again, in that same scene, Kevin has to stop in the middle to consult his notes. Eating out a girl has a reputation for being super hard (no pun intended). Cosmopolitan even put up a series of diagrams detailed to help you get there.
The thing is, oral sex is actually quite easy. The only problem we face is that we don’t have vaginas. We don’t know what works and what doesn’t. It’s easy to stick your dick in and let it do the job, but when you’re down there with your tongue, things can get confusing. I mean, even the common terms for it – muff diving, eating out, carpet munching – show how little we get it. What if a girl told you she was about to munch on your dick?
Lesbians are amazing at eating each other out, because they know what works and what doesn’t. And the good news is that this doesn’t need to remain a mystery. Seriously, while doing the work, listen for feedback, and ask if you’re not getting any. There’s only so much you can do down there, and with trial and error you’ll eventually get it right.
2. Last as Long as You Freaking Can
“It happens to every man” – the least sexy words you’ll ever hear.
Pop culture loves mocking men for not lasting long enough. You only lasted 2 minutes? Hilarious! You jizzed in your pants? Comedy gold! Seriously, though, that Lonely Island song is fucking funny.
You know who it’s not funny for? Men who don’t last long. Lasting one or two minutes inside her is disappointing. Cumming in her hand before ever reaching her pussy is humiliating for all involved.
Most normal men are insecure about premature ejaculation. For some guys, it’s a physiological problem that can be treated with meds. For others, it’s psychological. One major reason for this is that we have unrealistic expectations about how long sex should last. We think we should be able to go for hours, but on average, sex lasts 7.3 minutes. Almost half of all men finish in under 2 minutes!
That doesn’t mean it can’t last longer, or that women don’t want it to last longer, but it should reassure you that you’re not a freak, disappointing women left right and center.
There are ways to last longer.
Some tips to last longer:
- Masturbate earlier. Something About Mary told us you shouldn’t go out there with a “loaded gun”. It also showed us what can go wrong, although Ben Stiller’s problem is physically unlikely to say the least. Has anyone in existence ever found cum hanging from their ear like that?
- This refers to getting as close as you can to orgasm, and then stopping, letting your system calm down, and going again.
- Kegel exercises are not just for women. As we’ve written before, they can help you achieve longer lasting orgasms. They can also help you last much longer.
- Numb it. There is a range of numbing agents on the market for men who are seriously scared of shooting off too soon. Be careful – this can have too much of an effect, causing sex to be joyless or making it way too hard to cum.
3. Focus on Fucking Instead of Fucking Up
As with everything in life, sex is better when you’re focused. This is true for both parties. Despite the fact that we think about sex all the time, while we’re actually having sex many people struggle to keep in the moment.
For men, the problem is generally that we’re worried about how we’re doing. Am I doing it right? Why isn’t she moaning? What if I hurt her? What if I shoot off too soon? Maybe she’s faking it. Is my dick too small? Am I better than her ex? What if she gets pregnant?!
Performance anxiety makes it impossible to fully focus. Think Superbad, when Michael Cera tells his girl she would have a smooth cock if she was a guy. Sadly enough, telling yourself to focus doesn’t usually work. In fact, you end up focusing on trying to stay focused. It’s an endless joyless cycle!
Here’s the thing: if you wanna stay focused during sex, you’ve gotta do the work beforehand. Here are some suggestions to help you practice:
- Study up. A lot of the worries that come up during sex can be dispelled just by getting better educated. Am I doing it right? is only a question for those going in blind. Shooting off too soon is a concern for those who have impossible expectations and haven’t practiced lasting longer. And, if you are clued up about contraceptives and how effective they are, you’ll worry less about getting her pregnant.
- Challenge your thoughts. All those worries can be challenged beforehand. Challenging thought patterns is a common psychological technique that helps you get over performance anxiety. Ask yourself if these thoughts have any basis in real life evidence. If they do, ask yourself what you can do about them and if they really matter.
- The concept of mindfulness is to focus entirely on what you are doing while you are doing it. Practicing mindfulness at less intense times can help you get it right when you hit the jackpot. Try eating an apple, concentrating on its flavor, texture, smell, and so on. Focus only on the apple and nothing else. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back. This sort of exercise will get you used to focusing for when you’re eating her apple.
4. Learn New Moves…There are More Ways INTO It
“It doesn’t matter, friction is friction!”
That’s the rule of thumb my friend taught me to apply to every question I had about fucking when we were teens. He was wrong, oh so very wrong. I give a shit about whose vagina is providing the friction, for one thing. For another, mere friction can get boring. Especially for the girl.
After a while, the same old positions can get boring. But it’s not just boredom. Certain positions activate different pleasure centers in her body.
Some of the most important work comes in the foreplay stage, like we discussed above with oral sex. But that doesn’t end when your dick is inside her. Listen to her, ask what she wants. Hear her moan and when she goes quiet, try something new. Of course, you need to have an arsenal of moves ready to go.
Take the following steps to be prepared:
- Read the kama sutra. The age-old sex guide still has its merits. It will teach you loads of positions that will enhance pleasure for you and her. But also do some modern day research. We have the internet, for fuck’s sake!
- Don’t believe everything you read (or see). Okay, so the internet isn’t the most reliable source. Porn makes certain impossibly awkward positions look pleasurable. So, instead of watching porn, look up what women want. Look at sites like Cosmo, because much of the stuff written by men disregards what women really feel.
- Be prepared for anal. A lot of women love anal, as we’ve written about before. But you have to know what you’re doing down there, and you have to have plenty of lube at the ready.
- Ask her first. Before launching into her back door, make sure she has no problems with it. Even if you’re trying a position that is relatively tame, she might have tried it before and hated it. Ask, and if she knows what she likes, you’ve scored big!
[You can learn more about sex moves here.]–>>Working on it…
Do the work!
Ultimately, all this comes down to some legwork that you need to do in advance. No one is born good at sex. You have all the resources in the world at your fingertips, so if you’re insecure about something, take the steps to change it.